The Other Side of Staying

Jeep Girl here…

I’ve been home from Spain for a little over a month now. It’s been so interesting coming back and seeing how world travel and Barcelona specifically has changed my perspective on the US, on Nashville and on my life in general. It’s made me grateful for so much, and it’s made me realize what a comfortable little bubble we live in as Americans. We are shielded from so much of the reality of the world, and that shield allows us the luxury of dreaming the American Dream. In that respect, I’m so grateful to have been born into this bubble! Dreaming is normal here. The belief that I can be anything I want to be is commonplace. 

 There is something missing from this ‘dream world’ though.  It doesn’t feel quite as real here as it did to me there in Barcelona, and I find myself reaching for a newspaper to keep me tethered to this new piece of earth. It’s something I hope I can hold on to for the rest of my life. 

I’ve seen friends travel the globe, returning only to feel dissatisfied with their real lives and carrying a daily load of guilt. I was afraid that might happen to me, and that home would never feel like home again. This view that I had always felt a bit threatened by though, has, in reality, enriched my life here in America and made me grateful for the smallest things. It’s made me want to do more with the opportunities I’ve been given here because now I know that they aren’t ‘normal,’ they are extraordinary! I have been given an EXTRAORDINARY life, and I don’t intend on wasting it. With this new perspective, I’ve been doing some deep thinking.

I grew up on a tour bus, traveling the country with my family. We were never in a town more than 8 days, which was mostly amazing and taught me more about life and people than I could have ever learned staying in one place, but it also taught me not to get my heart attached; not to put down roots, because you would just have to yank them up again and that is a very painful process. 

Now, I’ve lived in the Nashville area for the past 20 years staying in one place, but honestly, the formative years of my life created habits that have been challenging for me to overcome, even after all this time. When I get hurt or angry at someone, I just want to leave the room, leave the city or leave the state. Learning to stay with anything or anyone that wasn’t my blood has been hard for me. I wanted to stay, but I was afraid to because I didn’t know what happened on the other side of staying. What I did know is that if I left first, I couldn’t be left by someone else, therefore avoiding being abandoned and rejected.

There’s a good chunk of my personal issues for ya right there. You know, the ones that color all my decisions. I’ve grown a lot, especially in the past 5 years, and I’ve learned to stay in friendships and relationships that got hard and hurtful, but I have to say that the other side of staying isn’t actually scary at all. It’s wonderful. It’s one of the sweetest things in life. There’s almost nothing more rewarding for me now than being with a friend who I’ve been through some ‘stuff’ with. There is a level of security there that I didn’t grow up having and I didn’t even know existed. 

But there are still areas in which my fear of staying affects me. After Spain, I realized that I have a very wide life. A lot of friends, a lot of projects, a lot of interests, and that has previously made me feel successful, but as I’m getting older I am longing for something else. I’m longing for something that lasts longer than a season. I’m longing to build something that will last longer than me. 

So, I started looking at my life and more specifically my work and I realized that I have made a lot of temporary choices in the past 4 years because I was trying to leave myself open for change at all times. I was trying to be ready to move or morph into something someone else needed me to be, and this was really just a way of me avoiding making a decision about who I wanted to be myself. I haven’t really dug deep and planted anything that will grow tall and stand the test of time. It’s all been perennial shallow plantings for me. Each of them beautiful and joyful for their season, but leaving me with nothing to count on for the future.

I came home from Spain knowing I wanted to leave my mark here in Nashville. That this was the place for me, and I wanted to build something that helps other people. I remembered the centuries-old buildings in Barcelona. When I was there I often thought about the people that built those buildings and how they probably never imagined the thousands of people that would inhabit them in the future. How many people they would provide shelter for that hadn’t even been born yet! It made me question, How can I build something that people will benefit from long after I’m gone? I don’t necessarily mean in a physical brick and mortar kind of way, but who knows; I’m not planning on dying anytime soon, but I know this thing will take some time, so I need to get started.

Years ago I picked up a book in a bargain bin called Digging In. It was about a man and his wife who decided to build a garden in their backyard. They had no idea what they were asking for, and it was a long, hard and expensive process. However, at the end, they had this beautiful urban oasis. Then they decided they wanted to share it and they started having weekly dinners in the backyard where they invited strangers to dinner. The strangers became friends and friends became family and before you know it, this little backyard garden had changed their entire lives. 

I love to travel and I love adventure, and I will never stop seeking those things, but coming home I realized the greatest adventure of my life is waiting for me in my own backyard and I’ve been walking right past it for years. I was refusing to dig in because I needed to be able to get on a jet plane and fly away whenever I wanted and then who would tend to the garden? I used that as an excuse. 

I’ve decided not to be afraid of what’s on the other side of staying anymore. I’ve decided not to be afraid of getting my hands dirty. Not to be afraid of getting trapped. Not be afraid of giving my all into a place that is unpredictable, because there is something to be gained from the process itself. I am tired of not knowing what happens if I really try if I really commit. I’m tired of being afraid. 

From the outside looking it, I am relatively confident that most of my friends and family already think I am this person. I’m not lazy by any means. I’m not flaky. I am loyal and committed. But I know something they don’t. I know the areas I haven’t been committed to. I know I could do more. I know that I’m unsatisfied with my own efforts. 

I know this is all very vague, partially because I want you to relate it to your own story, partially because I’m still figuring out how to apply it to my life, partially because it’s not time to share. What I can share is that I am committed to digging in like never before, and the adventures you’ll be hearing about next may not be in exotic far-off places, and they may not be funny antidotes about my single life, although the adventure continues there no doubt. LOL, What I will be talking about is what it’s like to dig deep, to bloom where you’re planted and live the everyday adventure of your own life. Of my life. The one I have chosen. I choose America. I choose Nashville. I choose to be part of what’s good about the Music Industry. I choose to stay and fight. To try. To dig deep.  Here’s to the new frontier! The other side of staying.

XOXO

Jeep Girl